Ladies, you know we love you right? Almost everything men do from the moment we wake up until we close our eyes at night is an attempt to get close to you, maybe even touch you. We do our hair, put on pants, get good jobs, buy nice cars, bring electronic shaving equipment and sharp razor objects extremely close to our you-know-whats, all in the hopes that when we walk up to you and say “h..h..hi” you don’t spray mace into our eyeballs.
Once we’ve gotten past your defenses however, is when the real games begin. We’ll spend evenings and weekends together, getting to know you, your little quirks, your little adorable habits, and eventually, if we haven’t already, we fall deeply in love with you.
Then something strange happens. Once the smoke cloud of love and infatuation starts to clear away, we start to notice a few things about you. Little things you say and do that strikes us as slightly odd. These things are so tiny and seemingly insignificant at first, that we pay them no mind. “Oh who cares? I love this girl!” is what we tell ourselves. But these things are like tiny splinters, not really painful at first, but when nothing is done about them, over time becomes infected and excruciating and in need of medical attention. The following is a short list of some of the things women do to drive men completely insane. Luckily our love for you keeps us from running into the woods screaming.
1. Constantly contacting us at work via MSN, Facebook, texting and calling.
There was a time when you’d only dare call your boyfriend or husband at work for emergencies. Why? Because too many personal calls could get you fired! Nowadays women feel it’s okay to call our cell phones at any time, for no reason whatsoever. And if we don’t answer, BOOM, you’re sending us text messages or IMs. Stop it! It’s distracting, it can get us in trouble at work, and to be completely honest, we just saw you 2 hours ago so ‘no,’ we don’t miss you yet.
2. Buying us clothes without us being there, telling us it’s okay if we don’t like them “cause you can always return them,” the getting mad when we say we don’t like them.
Listen, we love that you think of us while on your frequent shopapoloozas, but please stop buying us clothes. I don’t buy socks unless I try them on first, what makes you think you can just grab an entire pair of pants off a rack and expect us to love them? And it’s very hard for us to tell you we hate the new shirts, because you were “just being thoughtful.”
3. Makes you late for everything.
There’s nothing more to say here than LEARN TO BE ON TIME. PUNCTUALITY IS IMPORTANT AND A REFLECTION ON YOU AND YOUR REPUTATION. STOP RUINING OURS BECAUSE YOU CAN’T PICK AN OUTFIT FOR YOUR COUSIN’S BBQ. (sorry, I wasn’t yelling. I accidentally hit caps lock, and didn’t look up at my screen until it was too late, and now I can’t change it…I just can’t)
4. Whenever she sees pictures of your ex she insults them and calls them ugly.
When you insult our exes you seem to forget that we were once in love with them to a certain degree. They were, for the most part, decent people who don’t deserved to be called names, and calling them ugly insults us as well, because we thought they were pretty. If we are with you, the last thing you should be undermining is our taste in women.
5. Booking up all our spare time weeks in advance.
Guys live in the moment. Stop asking us what we want for dinner when our mouths are still full of bacon. And just because we don’t have anything “planned” on Friday night, all day Saturday and all day Sunday, doesn’t mean you should fill our calendars with all your Wal-Mart, Dollarama other trivial trip planning needs. We enjoy leaving evenings open for fun things to pop up. Men have learned that the best ideas present themselves when you’ve already booked something lame.
6. Fixing the relationship right before bed.
We’ve just spent the entire day together, going to Wal-Mart, the Dollar Store and the clothing outlets. We had breakfast, lunch, dinner, dessert, watched a movie and even squeezed in a little fun before bed time. And just as we close our eyes, and our brains start to drift off into sweet, sweet dreamland, you decide it’s time to evaluate the relationship and where it’s going. Please don’t do this. Sleep is precious to us, and sleep time is the worst time to bring up issues with us. We’ll be cranky, and everything we say will be peppered with rage because you not only didn’t bring up whatever issue you have this time months ago, but that you didn’t bring it up at any point during the day when we weren’t in our pyjamas.
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